Wild Little Wolf
by hawkesmemoirs
Summary: I wanted to document unseen moments between f!Hawke and Fenris when cutscenes faded out and within action - including the smuttier bits. Chapter one is only the set up - the romantic interaction will be in the next few chapters. Plenty of liberties taken with the original script. Image by Khemiri of Deviantart - check her out 3
1. Chapter 1

Dear Journal,

My life has never been easy. It's always felt like I've had to hide who I am. My sister Bethany and I, both being apostate mages, have lived our lives hiding who we are. I've never found being open with anybody easy. I think that's what drew me to Fenris.

I'm not a bad person. I'm not drawn to blood magic or even crime. I don't want to hurt people for personal gain. Which is why becoming a smuggler when my family evacuated to Kirkwall could never be my permanent occupation. When Varric caught up to me and Carver in Hightown and asked us to finance an exhibition into the deep roads, I saw my way into an honest living.

I raised money by saving the Viscount's son and clearing a mine of dragons amongst other things. Unfortunately, not all the jobs I took on to raise the finance were above board. I helped get poison onto the market for Isabela, smuggled a Quanari mage out of Kirkwall, and snuck into the Chantry to rescue a mage. But the most fruitful of my underhanded deeds began with my meeting a dwarf called Anso.

I met the dark haired and shifty figure on a dark night in Lowtown. I was asked to recover some lost lyrium which caused Aveline to glare at me warningly. Carver didn't look happy either – but then, he's never happy. But in solidarity with Varric, who was my ticket into the deep roads, I agreed to help the dwarf recover his stolen lyrium.

I entered a nearby hovel with my staff ready and poised. The moment I got through the door, we were ambushed by a large group of thugs. It wasn't without reason that I had brought Aveline with me. Despite disapproving of my endeavour, she took down several thugs after I froze them in place with a cone of cold, her sword and husband's shield working in perfect harmony. Varric mortally wounded several men with a shower of arrows from his trusty crossbow Bianca while Carver swung a massive hammer with all the eloquence of a blind hippo.

Once the inhabitants lie dead, and we had caught our breath, I checked the chest for the lyrium to find it empty. "Odd," I said to myself.

"Are you actually surprised?" Carver asked, looking very pissed off. "The shifty dwarf led us on a wild goose hunt. Probably needed some old friends getting rid of." Typical Carver – cynical as always.

"Make no assumptions," said Aveline, being diplomatic as usual. "There are many reasons we might have been ambushed over an empty chest. We should get back to Anso."

"Right, let's get moving then," I said to the group. "This place is depressing."

"It's like Gamlen's place," added Carver.

"Exactly," I responded.

After the onslaught of mercenaries in the house, I hadn't expected any more. So when a small group of soldiers stood right outside, I had to unsheathe my staff very quickly. "That's not an elf!" declared the group leader. I bit back the temptation to say 'no shit Sherlock' but didn't want to antagonise a large group of armed fighters if I could help it. Unfortunately, potential for negotiation was quashed when a soldier pointed out their orders were to kill anyone who left the building.

'Anso you son of a bitch,' I said to myself. 'You set us up!'

I charged into the onslaught, vowing to make Anso into a pair of dwarfskin slippers, and noticed with a jolt that some of the fighters were mages. What sort of group marched openly around with apostates? Or was this some sort of circle conspiracy? We all defended ourselves valiantly and made short work of the group only to have a soldier captain descend from the nearby steps and call to his lieutenant to bring more fighters. I was exhausted but I was galvanised by the idea of seeking revenge on the scrote of a dwarf who had put me in this situation.

It was with shock that I watched a dying soldier, bleeding heavily, stumble up to the captain. As he dropped to the floor, an elf came around the corner. "Your men are dead," he informed the captain. "And your trap has failed. I suggest running back to your master while you can." Master? Was the soldier a slave? Slavery has been illegal in Thedas for a very long time! The captain confirmed my suspicions.

"You're going nowhere, slave!" he commanded, grabbing the elf by his shoulder.

It was immediately obvious that a grave mistake had been made. The elf glowed brightly, blue lines crossing a swirling all over his body. I watched with a mixture of fascination, awe and fear as his glowing hand passed straight through his assailant's body, killing him quickly. "I am not a slave," he told the dead man.

The elf turned to us and I took the opportunity to get a good look at him. He was unusual. His hair was a shade of white which didn't match his years and blue markings etched his whole body right up to his lips. I found myself wondering how his lips would feel on my neck. He was slight like elves are but very clearly muscled and toned. Varric had been trying to send me up with a renegade healer mage named Anders, but I found myself very suddenly, and somewhat superficially, into handsome elves.

If the sword hadn't suggested otherwise, I'd have assumed him to be a mage. He had certainly been touched by some sort of magic. He turned to me and said, "I apologise." His voice was beautiful. Deep and resonating, I briefly wondered how it would feel to have him whisper my name into my ear. Shocked by my myself, I shook off the fantasy and paid attention to what he had to say. "When I asked Anso to provide a distraction for the hunters, I had no idea they'd be so…numerous," the elf continued.

"You were responsible for this?" I asked. There went my dwarfskin slippers. Shame this elf was too handsome to skin.

"I'm the reason you're here, yes." He confirmed. "My name is Fenris. These men were imperial bounty hunters seeking to recover a magister's lost property. Namely, myself. They were trying to lure me into the open. Crude as their methods were, I could not face them alone. Thankfully, Anso chose wisely."

Fenris. What a delicious name. Little wolf. I briefly wondered if he was as wild as his name suggested before I realised the implications of what he had just said. He had been a slave, kept hostage and then relentlessly hunted by a mage. One of my own kind. I was sickened by what this meant and, despite the fatigue which battle had wrought on me, I was glad Anso and I had found each other. I felt like I needed to atone for the sins of another mage and protect this beautiful Fenris; his tortured past appealed to my protective side. I fought the impulse to take him into my arms, took a deep breath, and swallowed.

"If they were really trying to recapture you, then I'm happy I helped," I reassured him. I hoped I sounded genuine – I was afraid my lust was colouring my tone.

"I have met few among my travels who have sought anything more than personal gain," he said, looking browbeaten. "If I may ask, what was in the chest? The one they kept in the house." Oh. Yes. The chest. I'd been so dazed by the presence of this elf that I'd momentarily forgotten the events leading up to meeting him.

"It was empty."

"I suppose it was too much to hope for," Fenris said with a tortured look in his beautiful, green eyes. "Even so, I had to know."

"You were expecting something else?" I asked curiously. Fenris was a piece in a puzzle I was finding increasingly beguiling. I hoped to stay in contact. His life was a jigsaw I'd gladly spend time putting together.

"I was. But I shouldn't have. It was bait. Nothing more." I looked into Fenris's large sad eyes.

"You didn't need to lie to get my help," I told him.

"That remains to be seen," he responded. What did that mean? Was I to see more of him? Fenris bent down and searched the body of the dead captain. "It's as I thought. My former master accompanied them to the city. I know you have questions, but I _must _confront him before he leaves. I will need your help."

"If it means fighting more slavers, I'll help you," I told him. And then take you to the hanged man, get you drunk and seduce you, I added silently.

"I'll find a way to repay you. I swear it," he earnestly insisted. Was Fenris a prude? Would it be uncouth to flirt at this point? Suggest a fun method of repayment? "The magister is staying at a mansion in Hightown. Meet me there as soon as you can. We must enter before morning…"

And that, Journal, is how I met the man who changed me forever. Who made me into a woman and taught me to love unconditionally. What happened next, nobody could have foreseen.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author notes: I stuck fairly loyally to the proper DAII script but ad-libbed and took liberties once Fenris had been recruited.**

I immediately set off to Hightown to meet Fenris who had marked the location of the mansion on the map. "Is this even worth doing, sister?" asked Carver. "I'm sure runaway slaves don't have money and we're supposed to be investing time in raising funds for the deep roads expedition!"

"Maker, Carver! That's cold. Even for you," I gasped in shock. "What would father say? Remember what he would drill into me and Bethany? 'My magic will serve that which is best in me; not that which is most base.' What would he say if he knew I was investing my time and my gift chasing money after turning down somebody clearly in dire need?!"

"She has a point, Junior," Varric interjected. "Money or no, this broody looking elf is clearly in trouble. And Hawke is helping to serve what's best in her." Varric caught my eye and winked. "She definitely is not pursuing her more base needs." Damn that dwarf – he could see right through me. I knew soon a story about the daughter of a fallen noble saving a disaster addled elf would soon make its way around the hanged man.

"I don't have any magic," Carver spat bitterly. "I'm under no responsibility to serve what's best in me. I don't know why I'm even coming."

"Nobody is forcing you to stay, you know," Aveline pointed out.

Fortunately, we reached Danarius's mansion before an argument could break out. I noticed Fenris immediately. He was stood by the door, moon glinting from his silver hair, looking very uneasy. "No one has left the mansion. But I've heard nothing within," he updated us. "Danarius may know we're here. I wouldn't put it past him."

"He may have prepared some magical defences," I warned.

"They will not keep me from him," Fenris insisted darkly.

I allowed Fenris to take Carver's place as his glowering was really annoying me. We tentatively entered the mansion and were met by a trap. Varric deftly worked at it and disarmed it with ease. "Piece of cake," he gloated. Before I could survey the mansion properly, we were ambushed by shades. We made short work of them and I took the time to admire the way Fenris swept through the shades with incredible accuracy and strength. Fenris was a talented fighter. We forced our way into the mansion, destroying shade after shade. Not even the rage demons were a match for Fenris's skill and resolve.

Before I realised it, the mansion was devoid of any activity but our own. The place had been less eerie when it was full of shades, I thought as I noticed the bodies and wreckage lying around the mansion. Danarius was clearly an evil man. "Gone," Fenris said, looking around him. "I had hoped… no, it doesn't matter any longer. I assume Danarius left valuables behind. Take them if you wish. I… need some air." Fenris left and I fought the impulse to check up on him by opening nearby chests. If I didn't take the opportunity to loot the evil bastard, Isabela and Carver would give it to me both barrels.

"Oh, a string of pearls!" said Varric, putting them around his waist. They looked ridiculous but I knew how dwarves were about their treasures, so I held my tongue.

Outside, Fenris was leaning pensively against the wall. "It never ends," Fenris despaired. "I escaped a land of dark magic only to have it hunt me at every turn. It's a plague burned into my flesh and my soul." He turned to me, with a look which mixed curiosity and mild aggression. "And now I find myself in the company of yet another mage. I saw you casting spells inside. I should have realised what you were." Maker, for somebody so handsome, Fenris was fairly oblivious. I was wearing full apostate robes attire and carrying a massive staff which let off sparks. I could not have been more obvious if I had tattooed "MAGE" to my forehead. "Tell me, what manner of mage are you? What is it that you seek?" I bit back the urge to snap at him. I had done him a favour and he was questioning my intentions. I didn't want to fight with him. I felt the need to prove to this enigma of a man that I _was_ serving what was best in me.

"You want me to tell you and spoil all the fun?" I responded light heartedly. I had no intention of laying all my cards on the table yet. I wanted to hook him, as he had already hooked me. Let him find out what was driving me as I discovered what drove him.

"You are skilled – I know that much." Fenris admitted. At this point, Aveline surprised me by stepping forward and standing up for me.

"Not all mages are alike," she reasoned. "Or I'd be the first to act." Aveline struck an imposing figure in her guard's armour. I hoped her testimony would be reliable enough for Fenris that he could learn to trust me. Good, reliable, trusty Aveline.

Fenris appeared to notice he had committed a faux pas. His expression softened and he said, "I imagine I appear ungrateful. If so, I apologise. For nothing could be further from the truth. I did not find Danarius, but I still owe you a debt." Good thing Carver didn't hear that, I thought, or he'd be shaking Fenris upside down to get coin from his pocket. "Here is all the coin I have, as Anso promised. Should you find yourself in need of assistant, I would gladly render it."

"Your old master must want something more than just a runaway slave," I pointed out. I wanted to glean some more information from him before he left.

"He doesn't want me at all," he said. "Just the markings on my skin. They are lyrium, burned into my flesh to provide the power Danarius required of his pet. And now, he wishes his precious investment returned, even if he must rip it from my corpse."

"Seems like a waste of a perfectly handsome elf," I blurted before I could help myself. I blushed vividly but Fenris chuckled to himself – a delicious sound. "Um, would you even help a mage?" I fought back for some control.

"You are not Danarius. Whether you are like him remains to be seen."

"Well, I'm planning an expedition I might need help with," I said. His sword would cut through darkspawn as if they were butter.

"Fair enough," said Fenris determinedly. "Should you have need of me, I will be here. If Danarius wants his mansion back, he is free to return and claim it." Fenris nodded at us, and went back into his mansion.

Varric turned to Aveline and said, "Well, that was enlightening. How about a drink at the hanged man? Once I've flogged these pearls, I'll be buying."

"Yes, okay – why not?" Aveline said. "Are you joining us Hawke?"

"No, I should get back to Carver," I lied. Varric smirked at me knowingly and walked off with Aveline.

"Well, Blondie will be upset. He was so looking forward to seeing you. Bye then, Hawke. Just be careful – he's like some sort of angsty porcupine. All covered in spikes."

"I've never noticed that about Carver." Aveline said, clearly puzzled. I grimaced.

"Bye you two. Don't drink til you're blind again this time Varric. There's only so many times that "Blondie" Mage can heal you." I walked around a corner and waited until their footsteps had faded out. That renegade mage, Anders. Shoot, I should let him down gently. I set the problem aside for a later time and then slipped into Fenris's mansion.

I entered the main hall and heard the clinking of bottles in an upstairs room. I went up the stairs and tentatively knocked on the door, hoping to find a good reason to be there so I didn't sound crazy. Fenris opened the door, his lyrium glowing. "Oh, it's you," he said. He let down his guard and stopped glowing. "What did you need?"

"I was hoping to talk," I shyly suggested. He looked at me curiously and walked back into the room, leaving the door open for me. He had started a roaring fire and had recovered a stash of wine from within the mansion. A bottle of white wine had already had half of its contents polished off.

"Agreggio Pavali," he explained, waving a bottle of red wine at me. The name meant nothing to me. He opened the bottle and looked at it for a moment, weighing up whether or not to use a glass. He decided against it and with his head back took a hearty drink. "I used to pour this for Danarius and his guests. He liked the way my appearance intimidated them apparently."

"Not that I keep company with evil slave owning blood mages, but if you had served me, I wouldn't have been put off." Fenris raised his eyebrows and gave me a quizzical look.

"You don't hold back, do you? At least it's reassuring to know you can be frank with me." Fenris gulped back a third of the bottle of wine, looked at the bottle and threw the remainder casually at a nearby wall.

"Just because I'm not a guest of Danarius, doesn't mean you can't offer me some, you know," I joked, looking at the puddle of wine and glass shards. "But then, it decorates the place so nicely." Fenris laughed and stopped abruptly. He clearly had issues letting his guard down around me.

"I've been on the run for three years now. It's nice to know I can still enjoy the small things." Fenris sat down, and I took a nearby seat.

"Have you considered returning?" I asked.

"To Seheron? No, not yet. I need to weedle Danarius out. Have him come to me so I have the advantage in an attack." Fenris turned to me with a slightly pained look on his face. "I've never had an ally. Nobody of substance. But I think you… I mean, if Danarius returns, though I won't expect it, I should like you fighting at my side." I smiled at Fenris and nodded. "I should thank you again, you know. For helping me against the hunters."

"Yes, you should," I say. And I surprise myself by leaning towards him. The smell of fine wine coming from him is intoxicating and I wonder what it would be like to taste the wine straight from his mouth. It was probably the wine, even though at the time I kidded myself it was mutual attraction, but he didn't pull away from me."

"Had I known Anso would find me a woman so capable…" he began and sat close to me. His face was a few inches from mine. "I might have asked him to look sooner." The scent of his breathe was intoxicating. His lips hypnotised me.

"You flatter me," I whisper. Fenris leaned closer to me, as transfixed by my lips as I was by his. "Maybe I should be thanking Anso."

"Maybe you should," Fenris responded with a slight slur. Oh, Maker. The wine must have been strong. And he was probably drinking on an empty stomach. I pull back from his him. I couldn't take advantage of somebody who was drunk. I turn from him and Fenris places a hand on my arm. "Perhaps I'll practise my flattery for your next visit? With any luck I'll become better at it."

"You're pretty good now," I say, turning back to Fenris. His green eyes drew me in and I had to stiffen my resolve. "I should go."

Fenris grips the arm he had a hand on and leans in, placing a feather light kiss on my lips. My breathe catches and I lose myself in the feeling of his kiss, brushing my lips as lightly as a butterfly's wings.

"I think you might be more intoxicating than the Agreggio," he whispers into my mouth. I gently pull myself from my grip and painstakingly remove my lips from his.

"I think you have that the wrong way round Fenris." He was clearly intoxicated by the wine. I stand up to leave. "I have to go to Sundermount tomorrow and deliver something to the Dalish. I'd appreciate your support. If you would come." I don't know what foolish impulse gave me the courage to ask him to join me. Yes, I could use his sword if anything dangerous appeared but I was more in need of an excuse to be near him.

"I'm at your service," Fenris replied.

I left the mansion. The feel of his lips lingered on mine, returning later to haunt the dreams of my restless sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

It was chilly at Sundermount but the conversation between Fenris, Anders, Isabela and I was flowing well in spite of the cold. Anders had taken to walking at my side, a constant diatribe on mage rights spewing from his mouth. I was glad he was so talkative. It let me zone out and listen to Fenris and Isabela, who were walking ahead, without Anders thinking I was an airhead.

Fenris's expression was unreadable but Isabela was lively and animated. Considering how drunk she got every night at the Hanged Man, her stamina at this time of the morning was impressive. "Green?" Isabela asked.

"No," replied Fenris. "And I'm not sure I like this game."

"One more guess then. Are they black? Like your leather? Oh, I bet they're black. Or purple. Dark purple. And silky. Can I see?"

"You may not see. I also don't think I would tell you what colour my underclothes are even if you did guess. It's a little…coarse." Oh crap, I thought. Isabela had to hots for Fenris. She was beautiful and experienced and if he was rebuking her then I had no chance. Isabela would bag a man like him far easier than I ever could.

"Hawke, don't you agree?" I snapped my focus away from my eavesdropping. Anders was prodding me, an expectant smile on his face.

"Wha- um, yes." I nodded. I really hoped I hadn't agreed to something preposterous. Anders ran his fingertips through his corn coloured hair and a smile crinkled his brown eyes.

"You're miles away Hawke and you've not heard a word I've said. But you're cute when you daydream. Almost kissable." I may have imagined it, but I thought I saw Fenris clench his fists.

Fortunately, before any trouble could arise, some Dalish had greeted us and taken us to the Keeper – Marethari. I explained that we had been sent on a delivery and the Keeper sent us to her second in command, Merrill, to assist us.

We found Merrill, a pretty and skinny elf with dreadful social skills, on the mountain trail and she explained that she would perform a rite on the amulet we had brought once we reached the top of the mountain and we set off. Much to Fenris's unease, we discovered Merrill was a mage after she used magic to blast some undead out of our way. Fenris sidled up next to me, cutting off Anders. "Where did you obtain this amulet exactly?" he asked me. I frowned. He wouldn't be happy.

"When we were running for our lives from Ferelden, we were attacked by a massive swarm of darkspawn. An ogre charged and Bethany… um, the ogre - it killed my sister. One swoop and she was gone." I found it difficult to talk at this point as my throat filled with emotion. Fenris looked at me, his eyes full of concern. "I – we... my family were surrounded. Aveline was there too. We were going to die but a massive dragon swept in and torched them all. Saved our lives. The dragon became a woman. I think she was Flemeth - the witch of the wilds. She said if we gave the amulet to the elves she would clear a path for us. She's using it to track her daughter."

"The witch of the wilds?" Fenris asked. "And you made a deal with her?"

"It was do or die Fenris. I'd just seen my sister slaughtered and Aveline had lost her husband to the taint. I didn't stop to think about it. It's why I asked you along. You've seen dark magic and you'll know what we're up against. Despite all you think, I'm fairly ignorant of dark magic. Not all mages are blood mages."

Ironically, Merrill chose this moment to slit at her wrist to get through a magical barrier. Fenris's eyes narrowed, Anders became tense and I got angry. Not only by the magic, but by the timing of it. "Merrill, was that blood magic?"

"Yes, but I know what I'm doing. The spirit helped us, didn't it?" she asked in her sweet little voice. Fenris was baring his teeth.

"You summoned a demon!" I cried.

"Demons are just spirits," Merill replied and walked through the arch. I was mortified that I had walked Fenris into a situation which would only make him hate me and my kind further. His expression was unreadable.

As we approached the pedestal which the amulet would be placed upon, Fenris said to me in a low voice, "it was refreshing and surprising to know you have a healthy fear and aversion of demons. I was worried you might defend blood mages and their motives, but I can see you're not like that. All the mages I've encountered seem to believe the end justifies the means." I thought he might have given me a fleeting smile but I could have imagined it, as when we placed the amulet on the pedestal he looked grim.

Merrill spoke some Ehlven words and activated the amulet. Isabela swore with shock as the amulet bore a woman. The same woman who had helped my family get to Kirkwall. Flemeth. Fenris hitched his breathe. "A witch!" he spat.

"It's alright, Fenris," Merrill reassured him. "She means us no harm." These were cheap words coming from somebody who made light of summoning demons. Merrill bent low and welcomed the witch in Ehlven. Flemeth greeted Merrill and asked her to stand and looked at the little group which I had gathered at the hill.

"You were inside that amulet the entire time?" I questioned.

"Just a piece," Flemeth smiled.

"You are no simple witch," Fenris said.

"Figure that out yourself, did you?" asked Flemeth. She spoke to him as if he were a child.

"I have seen powerful mages, spirits and abominations but you are none of those things. What are you?" Fenris seemed upset. I really shouldn't have brought him up to Sundermount. He'd think I associated with unconventional magic. Flemeth took his question in her stride.

"Such a curious lad. The chains are broken, but are you truly free?"

"You see a great deal," Fenris admitted, his curiosity piqued.

I was in no hurry to stay on the mountain top with Flemeth. Particularly after she made a dire prophecy about the world falling off a precipice. I hurried down the mountaintop and back into Kirkwall where I had been tasked with taking Merrill to live at the alienage. She had chosen to follow a path outside her clan. After I dropped her off, she asked if I would visit her some time. I didn't think it a good idea to be around another mage who dabbled in blood magic – I feared for my safety.

"I don't think so, Merill," I said. She looked crestfallen and went into her shabby little home with her shoulders drooping. I felt bad because she was a sweet girl but highly dangerous.

My party dispersed and headed off on their separate ways. However, Fenris came up to me and spoke. "You were wise to avoid association with the blood mage. Nobody who's dabbled in blood is safe."

"Thanks Fenris, but I know. I've spent my whole life having to be very aware of that fact." I looked up at the sky. It was near sunset and I had risen at dawn. I was tired. I rubbed my face, trying to stimulate some focus.

"You look tired, Hawke. Let me take you to the Hanged Man. I'll treat you to a flagon." I studied his face, looking for a motive but he remained impassive. "I promise this time I won't get drunk and try to kiss you," he added. I was shocked. I hadn't expected him to bring that up.

"I didn't mind the kissing bit, Fenris. I just didn't want you to feel that a mage took advantage of you while you were intoxicated."

"Hawke, you are unlike any woman or mage I have ever met," he murmured, his eyes fixed on mine.

He moved towards me and placing a hand on the back of my head he placed a tender kiss on my mouth. My full lips eagerly met his kiss and I released a quiet moan of desire. I wanted to place my hands all over his body and trace my tongue along his lyrium markings. One of his hands skimmed my breast as he reached for my face and deepened the kiss. My nipple hardened and must have shown through my robe because Fenris removed his hand from my face gently rubbed it with a thumb. My groan must have reminded him at that point that although the alienage courtyard was deserted, we were in public because he drew away and said, "there, a sober kiss. Now you know I probably would have kissed you regardless and can stop feeling like a predator."

He turned and headed towards the Hanged Man. I followed, breathless, aroused, and with legs like jelly. As we entered the tavern, Isabela spied us and her eyes sparkled and became as wide as dinner plates. I knew she was considering potential and filthy scenarios. I noticed she was sat with Varric who looked as though his birthday had come early. Yep, there would definitely be a story. We sat apart from them at a small table and Norah, the waitress, slopped two flagons of watery ale in front of us.

I looked at Fenris, questions burning at my lips and fighting to be spoken. "Fenris, why did you kiss me? Last night and today." He smiled and gave a deep and sexy laugh which came from his stomach and through his nose.

"Because you're a beautiful woman Hawke."

"Oh," I replied.

"Don't think I make a habit of it. I rarely stay in one place for long enough to form an attraction to a woman. But I am staying here at least until your expedition. I saw you looking at me with those seductive brown eyes and I had to kiss you. I think I was made bold by the Agreggio."

"What's your excuse for the sober kiss?" Fenris leaned back and contemplated his flagon idly as he considered his answer.

"The kiss last night produced some real chemistry. I had to make sure it wasn't down to alcohol." Hmmm. Just some sort of experiment then.

"Was the chemistry down to alcohol?" I asked.

"No," he replied shortly. I must have looked pleased with myself as I sat back and smiled smugly because Fenris chuckled.

I felt a breeze as the door to the tavern opened and Anders entered. He greeted me with a wave and a smile but grimaced at the sight of Fenris at my table. I waved back and shrugged as Anders joined Varric and Isabela. "Why are you so friendly with the abomination?" Fenris asked me.

"What do you mean?" I asked. Anders was a healer with a big heart. I didn't consider him an abomination.

"Yesterday, as we were leaving Kirkwall for Sundermount, Isabela told me he shared his body with a spirit of Justice. One who was warped into Vengeance. He's a dangerous mage. With today's events and the way you handled Merrill I assumed you did not associate with dangerous magic or dangerous mages." A frown creased my brow.

"Anders isn't dangerous. He's gentle and harmless."

"No," hissed Fenris. "He is _very_ dangerous. More so than that foolish little elf because he underestimates the spirit he is in league with." He put his flagon on the table with some force and left a silver next to it. "I can see my impressions were wrong. You _are _like other mages – making excuses for unnatural practices." He got up and left the tavern without saying goodbye.

I had never been so confused or felt so rejected.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author note: Thanks for the follows and reviews. Really hope this chapter doesn't disappoint.**

Over the coming months, as I took jobs to raise money for the deep roads exhibition, I was very cautious for what I asked help with. I didn't take Fenris on any job where I might clash with a Templar or feel I might need to turn a blind eye to an apostate mage being freed.

I got wind of a magistrate's son, Kelder, killing young elven women and using demons as an excuse. Fenris insisted on coming along with me to investigate and I allowed him to deal justice on the brute. I think he might have respected me for listening to his warnings about Kelder's escaped victim, Lia's, naiveté and for granting Kelder's wish for death but it was hard to tell. He was always so stoic and impassive around me.

I had attempted to visit Fenris a few times in the weeks after he stormed out of the Hanged Man, but he never answered the door when I knocked. I eventually gave up trying and attempted to put him to the back of mind. It was difficult – pushing him out of my mind only pushed him into my dreams as visions of his silver hair and the feel of his lips and hands punctuated my sleep.

Eventually, I accepted that I should take advantage of the old adage – absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or time heals all wounds. Either way, leaving was for the best. I got my earnings together and met Bartrand in Hightown. My friends all gathered, each hoping to come along and get a share of the riches.

"I'll have to bring Varric, obviously," I told my party. "I also think having a healer and an ex grey warden in the deep roads would be a very wise move." Fenris narrowed his eyes at Anders.

"I'm happy to come and protect you Hawke," Anders said. "But don't expect me to be happy to come face to face with darkspawn again. I didn't think I'd ever go in the deep roads again."

Carver muscled his way to the front of the group. "You'll be taking me of course, sister. This was the plan all along, after all." At this point, my mother Leandra came running up.

"Don't take Carver. If anything happened to him, I couldn't bear it," she pleaded.

"His weapon would make short work of darkspawn mother," I pointed out.

"What about Fenris," mother suggested. "He carries a similar weapon and seems just as competent."

"I'd be at your service, Hawke," Fenris said. "I could protect you from dangers in the deep roads." He looked at Anders pointedly and I found myself getting angry with him. If my anger hadn't clouded my judgement, I probably would have left Carver to care for mother but Fenris had sealed our fate.

"Carver should come, Mother," I said. "He is more than capable of looking after himself." As an afterthought, I looked at Fenris and added, "And he's capable of looking after me too."

I turned and walked away without looking back. Varric later told me that mother wasn't the only one who watched us walk away with a pained look in their eyes.

**After the deep roads exhibition:**

I sat on my plush bed in my new mansion, just staring at the gold Bodahn had brought me. Yes, I was rich. Yes, I had bought back the Amell estate, but at what cost? I wasn't one for waterworks, but I felt the sting of tears threaten me when I was distracted by a knock at my bedroom door. I composed myself. "Come in," I called.

I was shocked to see my visitor was Fenris. He entered the room, his expression sad. "Fenris?" I asked. "Do you need something?"

"I just had to check you were okay," he said. "I heard you had returned after all this time and I was making sure it was in one piece." I couldn't understand why he was coming to check up on me. His stance towards me before I had left had ranged from ambivalent to slightly hostile, so this new concerned Fenris was yet another enigmatic quirk of his.

"I'm fine," I said. "I'm tough. I made short work of the darkspawn. Not that there were many now the blight has ended."

"Darkspawn, ha!" Fenris spat. "I wasn't worried about darkspawn tainting you. I was worried about the abomination."

I had had a hard trip, and a mix of my temper and fatigue caused me to stand up and lose my temper. "For fuck's sake Fenris. There's a difference between being cautious of a dangerous mage and allowing your bias to let you believe every mage is dangerous. My brother nearly died in those deep roads and he is alive because Anders arranged for him to go through the joining. So many times through that trip I was attacked by demon possessed inanimate objects to the point of near death and he never failed to heal me. And when the wardens took my brother away, he sat at every watch when we set up camp reassuring me and keeping me calm. He has been nothing but kind, sweet and useful and he is the best friend I've got." My face was hot with rage so the tears which had finally spilled felt cold. Fenris's face which had registered shock when I shouted at him now looked troubled.

"Well, I am pleased you've found a lover who treats you well," he said as he turned to leave. He spoke with his back to me. "For what it's worth, not being around you has been strange. I have missed you." He closed the door behind him and left.

An hour later I was in Anders' Darktown clinic, pacing the floor and ranting inanely. "So after I had defended you against his ridiculous accusations, he insinuated we were lovers and then walked out. Just like that. No chance for an explanation. As if this trip hadn't been hard enough."

Anders, who had been mixing herbs for a healing potion, looked at me strangely. "I think you should sit down, Hawke. You're tired and should be resting." He patted the seat next to him and I sat down and tapped my foot with nervous anger. "I can understand why you're mad," Anders said. "He is bigoted and it's an insult that he came into a mage's house spreading his prejudice. I didn't realise how badly that elf was troubled." Anders furrowed his brow, frowned, and added, "but is it such a bad thing if he assumes us to be lovers? Am I that horrible a prospect?"

I looked at him for a moment with an expression of puzzlement. Was he really still attracted to me? I know I hadn't set him straight, but I thought the dynamic of our relationship had become clear. I saw him more as a brother. The brother I wished Carver would be more like. Anders cleared his throat and shuffled uncomfortable. "On another note, I did need to talk to you about something. I've gotten wind of something called the tranquil solution – a massive threat to mages. I hoped you'd investigate it with me." I smiled with relief. He had changed the subject.

"Let's go first thing tomorrow," I said with an affectionate pat on his should as I stood up and left to rest up at home.

The next day, I regretted bitterly agreeing to go with him. As I allowed Ella, a young mage who had nearly been killed by Justice, to make a run for it, Aveline and Varric stood shocked over Ser Alrik's corpse. Anders had run for his clinic in distress. The fact I had slaughtered a respected Templar and that I had narrowly stopped Anders killing an innocent woman made me feel numb. I found myself searching Alrik's body in a daze, trying to find something to make sense of the situation. I pulled some letters from his body.

"Andraste's tits, Hawke. I've never seen Blondie like that," Varric said, shaking his head in disbelief. He had distracted me and I idly put the letters without reading them in my pocket, before giving Alrik one last pat down.

"It'll mean a lot of work for the guard, this. I'll have to try and cover up our involvement," Aveline groaned. I stared through Aveline and Varric, trying to make sense of the flashbacks I had of Anders channelling Justice. He was so different. So frightening and I had feared for myself and others. My best friend was channelling a murderous and vengeful spirit.

"You've gone pale, Hawke. You should get some air," Varric said with concern.

"Yes," I agreed. "I'll go home and walk this off. I'm just not used to seeing my friends nearly kill innocent people."

I left the cave and headed in the direction of Hightown. I had intended to go home, but I found I had walked to outside Fenris's house. I knocked on the door, and as usual, Fenris ignored me. This time though, I took liberties and I let myself in.

I found Fenris lounging back on a knocked about sofa, swirling a bottle of Agreggio and idly watching the wine move around the sides. I cleared my throat and Fenris sat up and spotted me. He raised one eyebrow curiously at me as I miserably sat next to him, took the bottle from him and swigged at it. "Maker, Hawke. You look like the Void. Are you okay?"

"No," I said, laughing cynically. "You were right, Fenris. Completely right. A mage can't make a deal with a spirit and remain safe or benevolent." Fenris placed his hand over mine.

"I am glad you see that, but troubled you learnt the hard way. Please. Tell me about it."

And I did. I told him all about how we chased Templars through a cave. How Anders had lost control to Justice and how he had almost killed the person we were trying to save. I omitted the part about freeing Ella. Every now and then I swigged on the Agreggio and I eventually felt myself getting light headed and maudlin. "Why, Fenris? Why was I so stupid? Why was I so trusting? It will be the death of me." Fenris gave me small smile, and stroked one of my cheeks.

"You're not stupid Hawke. You are intelligent and skilled. And you're trusting because you are full of compassion. You're intent on seeing the best in people. Something a cynical man like me could see very clearly. You're loving and kind. It's why I respect you. A father and sister in the grave, a brother tainted by darkspawn, and you still see good in the world." I took his hand in mine, interlocking his fingers with mine, put my head on his shoulder and passed him the last half of the bottle of wine.

For a couple of hours, we just talked. Fenris told me about his attempts at escape. I told him about how I lost my father to the dark spawn. He told me about how he'd gotten to know a lot about the Qunari. I told him how I'd lived on the run, too. Although from Templars, not slavers.

Before I knew it, we had finished two bottles of wine between us and I was feeling bold. I took my head of my shoulder and looked into his face. His eyes bore into mine as I turned my body and straddled him. I placed a desperate and passionate kiss on his mouth and Fenris responded fiercely and his hands grabbed my ass. I buried my fingers deep into his hair as our tongues met and explored each other. We filled each other's mouths with our groans and I felt Fenris harden where my crotch met his. I could tell I was wet and I throbbed, desperate for him.

I was very surprised then to find the room spinning. I must have toppled backwards off of Fenris because I was looking at the ceiling and Fenris was guffawing. I'd never heard him laugh like that. We were pretty drunk. Fenris grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet. "We should walk the wine off and pick this up later," he suggested. "Let's take a stroll to Sundermount."

"Ok," I agreed, rubbing my head where it had met the floor. I didn't want our first time together to be a drunken fumble. "But be careful. Aveline's guards keep finding armed men in the employment of some important man around there looking for something so don't mix them up with bandits."

Hand in hand, we headed for the mountain paths, neither of us expecting the ambush which was to ensue when we reached there…


	5. Chapter 5

We stopped at the Hightown stalls on the way to the mountains and bought some food from a vendor. Once we had eaten that and had been met with the brisk mountain air, we found ourselves to be sober. Fenris was deep in thought, looking at his feet as he walked, one hand on his chin.

"Fenris?" I asked. He looked up at me. "At the Hanged Man. All that time ago when we…I…um…. Well, you know. You said you were staying in Kirkwall until the expedition. Why did you stay after I told you that you weren't needed?"

"I've asked myself the same question," Fenris admitted. "I think the truth of the matter is that I'm not sure what I do now I've stopped running."

"Dance?" I suggested playfully. Fenris laughed.

"Yes, I could run from room to room, choreographing routines." I bit my lip to stifle my laughter. The image of serious, sexy, dark Fenris prancing around his home was hilarious. We kept walking up the mountain paths in a comfortable silence.

"Tell me, Hawke. What do you do when you've stopped running?" Fenris suddenly asked.

"Do you really not know?" I asked. I frowned. No, of course he didn't. I had my friends and my mother. Plus a life which had always anchored me in one place or another. Fenris had drifted alone, struggling to make a connection to anyone or find anybody he could trust. I immediately regretted my question. I was surprised when Fenris answered.

"My first memory is receiving these markings. The lyrium being branded into my flesh. The agony wiped away everything. Whatever life I had before I became a slave… it's lost." Fenris stopped treading the mountain path and turned to me. "I shouldn't trouble you with this, my troubles are not yours."

"I might be able to help with your problems. Or give you a few more." I suggested, a naughty glint in my eye. Fenris moved close to me, his body an inch from mine, and he pushed his fingers into my hair. He breathed in my scent and met my eyes with his.

"You're a beautiful woman, Hawke. Is there no one else who has your attention?" I wasn't sure whether the question was motivated by jealousy or insecurity.

"Do you see anyone else here?" I asked.

"I'm an escaped slave and an elf, living in a borrowed mansion. None of those things bother you?" Oh, he was insecure. This was a new revelation amongst the thousands of mysteries this man wore.

"I'm a refugee and an apostate mage. Does that bother you?"

"You have me there," Fenris admitted. He put a hand around my waist and pulled my body hard against his, pressing his lips to my mouth. One of my hands found the back of his head, the other his delectable and firm rear.

I don't know how long we were locked in our passionate kiss, but we pulled apart abruptly as we were disturbed suddenly by an ambush of slavers. "Hunters," Fenris spat. A burly man with strawberry blonde hair and a ridiculous moustache came forward and shouted at me.

"Stop right there. You are in possession of stolen property. Back away from the slave now, and you'll be spared." So _that's_ what Aveline had been talking about. Shame she hadn't known they were slavers or she would have decapitated every single one for us.

I gave Fenris's hand a reassuring squeeze to let him know I wasn't going to leave his side. "Fenris is not a slave," I shouted at the hunter. "They'll never learn, will they," I said to Fenris, drawing my staff.

Backup would have been nice, but through perseverance and our skills and talents, every single hunter but one lay dead. Fenris surveyed the bodies, a dismal look of misery on his face. He went up to the limp form of the surviving hunter and forced information from him before promptly snapping his neck. Somebody called Hadriana had come on Danarius' behalf and was staying in some nearby holding caves.

Fenris didn't have to ask for my help; I had set off immediately and he followed. By a stroke of good fortune we encountered Isabela who was accompanying Merrill to the Dalish camp. After a brief explanation, they were more than happy to provide backup. "It would be a shame to waste such a beautiful elf by letting slavers take him," Isabela crooned. 'Honestly, woman, control yourself, I found myself thinking. Ironic considering I had no control where Fenris was concerned.

Just a couple of hours later, we found ourselves deep within the caves and comforting a lost enslaved elf named Orana. I took pity on her and gave her to my home to become a paid housekeeper. Fenris had given me a very appreciative smile once I made it clear I intended to pay her – I think for a second he'd honestly thought I was recruiting a slave.

We fought our way through the holding caves and found Hadriana. Despite her best effort, and her summoning of several animated corpses and abominations, we floored her and had her weak and breathless on the floor. Fenris raised his weapon about to strike her dead when she called out, "stop you do not want me dead!"

"There is only one person I want dead more," he said, anger and hatred distorting his beautiful face into one of pain and suffering.

"I have valuable information. I'll trade it in return for my life," she begged. "You have a sister. She is alive. Let me go and I will tell you where she is." Fenris looked torn and turned to me for some sort of direction in how to continue.

"This is your call," I told him. I knew nothing of how hard it is to be a slave. My perception of the situation was nowhere near the reality he had experienced and I stood back and watched without judgement.

Fenris approached Hadriana and looked her in the eye. "You have my word. Tell me, and I'll let you go." Hadriana told Fenris where his sister was and who had employed her. Fenris stood up. "I believe you," he said. Then he phased his hand right into her chest, killing her in seconds. Even though my body seemed to register shock, I was not surprised he had chosen to kill her.

"We are done here," Fenris said, heading out of the caves.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked. Fenris got angry, turned and yelled at me.

"No, I don't want to talk about it. This could be a trap. Danarius could have sent Hadriana here to tell me about this 'sister.' Even if he didn't, trying to find her would be suicide. Danarius has to know about her and has to know that Hadriana knows. But all that matters is I finally got to crush this bitch's heart. May she rot and all the other _mages_ with her."

I was extremely hurt that despite everything, he believed me to be as bad as somebody like Hadriana. I bit my lip and looked up at him, my brown eyes sad. We needed to go home where he could think clearly. "Maybe we should leave," I suggested while placing a hand on my shoulder. He shook it off.

"Don't comfort me," he said bitterly. "You saw what was done here. There's always going to be some reason, some excuse why mages need to do this. Even if I found my sister, who knows what the magisters have done to her. What does magic touch that it doesn't spoil?" I looked at him, my face blank, desperately trying to hide how his words had cut into me. Fenris's expression changed from angry to defeated. "I need to go," he said. I didn't stop him leaving. His words had hurt me and had he stayed I might have slapped him.

Isabela came up to me and put a hand on my shoulder. "Men are strange things, kitten. They're more in touch with their dicks than their emotions. I'm sure he didn't mean that and if you don't go after him he will only wander Kirkwall feeling worse and worse for what he said." I put my hand over hers.

"Thank you Isabela. I can always come to you for advice on men. Or ales." Isabela chuckled.

"He's enamoured with you, you know. He's always watching you when you don't see. He's turned down all my advances. Go after him and let him give your chimney a vigorous sweeping. You'll both feel better," Isabela reassured me.

"Are you having problems with soot, Hawke?" Merrill asked. "I didn't realise Fenris was a chimney sweep. He's very clean considering." I stifled a snigger at Merrill's innocence, gave Isabela a brief hug, nodded at Merrill and sprinted out of the caves.

Three hours I walked the mountains and the length and width of Kirkwall searching for Fenris. Each minute that passed created more and more worries for my active imagination. Slavers had found him again. He had fallen to his death. He'd gotten into a fight to the death with Anders and lost. Eventually, night fell and I had to go back to the estate. There was no point searching at night. I couldn't see a thing and I couldn't handle groups of bandits alone.

When I entered my hallway to find Fenris sitting there I didn't know whether to kiss or slap him. He immediately stood up and offered an explanation. "I've been thinking about what happened with Hadriana. I took my anger out on you, undeservedly so. I was… not myself. I'm sorry." Fenris's face was sincere and troubled.

"I had no idea where you went," I said. "I was worried." I didn't go into detail about my hours of searching.

"I needed to be alone." Typical Fenris. "When I was still a slave, Hadriana was a torment. She would ridicule me, deny my meals, hound my sleep." I was suddenly glad the bitch was dead. "I was powerless to respond and she _knew _it. The thought of her slipping out of my grasp… I couldn't let her go. I wanted to, but I couldn't. I thought I'd gotten away from this hate. But it dogs me no matter where I go. It was too much to bear. But I didn't come here to burden you further." He turned to leave. I reached out and grabbed his arm.

"Don't go," I pleaded.

Fenris's markings glowed blue and he spun around and pinned me against the wall, anger etched out in his face. His temper calmed quickly, his markings faded, and he looked me in the face, his expression strange. I leaned forward and kissed him passionately. My lips found his neck as his hands reached my waist and he groaned. I turned him and pinned him against the wall, my tongue meeting his passionately. I felt his erection through his trousers and ran my hand along it through the cloth. He bit my lip, sending delicious waves of pleasure through my body. Fenris freed himself from my grip and unpinned himself from the wall. "No," he breathed at me through ragged breathe. "You won't pin me. Tonight, I'm going to vent all the sexual frustration you've created. Get upstairs. I'm going to fuck you."

"Maker, Fenris, yes! Use me," I gasped, before heading urgently to my bedroom.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's note: Thank you so much for the kind reviews. I squeal a little with each one **** I got this one done fairly fast – it was the chapter I most eagerly anticipated and the one I am most worried about showing off. Please be kind.**

Fenris closed my bedroom door and I silently thanked the maker my mother had gone on a shopping weekend in a nearby town in the Free Marches and had taken Bodahn and Sandal for company. This would probably get loud.

Fenris grabbed my wrist and pulled me roughly to him. He buried his head into my long auburn locks, taking a deep breath and nibbling my earlobe. "Hawke, your scent drives me crazy." I had washed my hair in rosewater that morning. He buried his tongue into my mouth, caressing my buttocks and pulling my hips into his. I could feel his length hitting my sweet spot through my robes and I shuddered with pleasure.

My shudder seemed to spur an urgency in Fenris as he removed his hands and started to feverishly remove my clothes. I started working at the buckles on his breast plate and he stopped undressing me to grab my hands. "You first," he growled. As I stood before him in just my underwear he took a long and hungry look at me, picked me up, and then threw me on the bed. I watched as he idly begun undressing himself, removing his armour and clothes very slowly in a bid to tease me.

I groaned as his bare torso was visible in the flickering light of my fireplace. I could feel my wetness soaking into my underwear and I found my hand slipping down, wanting to touch and ease the throbbing. "No," Fenris said and with a stride he had reached me and removed my hand from my body. "I'll do that."

He removed a small, delicate, silk, red scarf from my bedside table. My mother had bought it for me in a fit of impulsiveness. It was too fancy for my taste so I used it to tie my hair back when doing chores. Fenris straddled me as I lay wanton on the bed in my underwear and tied my wrists to a post with the scarf. "Now you can't give in to temptation." He smiled wickedly as I writhed on the bed. He stood back up and I watched as he slowly removed his trousers. He wasn't wearing any underwear – no wonder Isabela could never guess what colour they were. His erection sprung free and I started pulling at my restraint. He was very girthy and I yearned for him to fill me up.

He climbed back onto the bed and crawled towards me like a wolf hunting its prey. He kissed my lips with a frustratingly slow pace while he ran a hand up my thigh. He stopped kissing me and seemed to contemplate something for a moment. Before I knew it, he had torn my bra off and my breasts were free. He caressed one as he kissed the other in slow teasing circles, working towards the centre, finally allowing his tongue to tease my nipple. I was trying to move my legs – to wrap them around his body but he held them to the bed with one of his hands.

His kisses moved from my breasts and he made his way down my stomach. I shuddered as he made his way to my thighs and prayed he was about to put his mouth on my sweet spot. I yelped as Fenris grabbed my underwear with both hands, pulling them close to my throbbing pussy. He leaned in and with his teeth he tore them off. I was now completely naked.

Fenris brought himself back up my body so his face was level with mine and with his beautiful eyes boring into mine he slipped a finger into my wetness. I was so aroused that I cried out at the sensation. Fenris slowly moved his finger around inside me and with his thumb massaged my clitoris. "Oh, Fenris. You're driving me crazy. I can't take much more" Fenris entered another finger into me and moved his mouth to my ear and his breath against it excited me even further.

"You're mine Hawke. Nobody else touches you now," he whispered. Hearing him speak to me like that – possessing me like I've never allowed anyone to possess me before tipped me over the edge and I came on his fingers with a scream. The desperation I had harboured for release momentarily left me as I rode the waves of my orgasm, writhing and shuddering on the bed. Fenris didn't stop working at me with his fingers and as the pressure was building inside me again, he moved down and placed his mouth on my clitoris. After just a few flicks of his tongue I came again, crying out his name, beads of sweat running off my body.

He kissed my face gently and surprisingly tenderly. "You taste, amazing Hawke," he told me. "I'm going to untie you, and you're going to take me in your mouth and please me." He untied me and I quivered with the exhaustion of the orgasms as I sat up. He stood by the bed and I sat on the edge, his shaft level with my face.

I slowly ran my tongue up the length of his shaft and Fenris moaned and pulled gently on my hair. I put his head into my mouth and started sucking, working up pace and depth until I had a large amount of him in my mouth. "Take me deeper, Hawke," he said. I relaxed my throat and Fenris grabbed my hair and pushed me roughly down onto him. I felt ravenous for him and could not get enough. I reached up and massaged his balls and felt him tighten. My speed increased and he moaned and started whispering over and over, "Oh Hawke, oh Hawke, yes." He was gripped by a spasm and he pulled my hair back quickly. He fell out of my mouth as he sprayed himself all over my naked body. Locking my eyes onto his, I wiped some of his fluid off with a finger and tasted it. "Maker, Hawke, you're something else," he murmured.

Minutes later, I lay on the bed steadying my breathing as I wiped myself off with my torn underwear. Fenris got onto the bed next to me and took me into his arms. The warm skin of his chest against my back felt delicious. "I've wanted that since I first saw you, Fenris," I admitted. He pushed his nose into my hair and tenderly kissed my neck. I carried on. "I wondered how it would feel to lie naked with you. I wanted to run my tongue all over your body and taste your markings." I felt Fenris grow hard. He moved closer to me, pushing his length against my thigh and buttock.

"If that's what you wish, then do it," Fenris said. I didn't need telling twice. I rolled over to face him and kissed him fiercely, my hands finally exploring his body. It was obvious Fenris was not used to being touched as his eyes widened and he became tense. In a bid to calm him I removed my hands from his body and used my mouth. I kissed and gently flicked my tongue all over his body. He relaxed and his member twitched as I took his nipple into my mouth. I ran my kisses up his neck and Fenris moaned deeply.

It must have been too much as he rolled me over, pinned my hands over my head with his and lay his body over mine. He kissed me, his tongue passionately clashing with mine. I throbbed and ached for him and he didn't disappoint as he delved two fingers into my core and I arched my back, imploring him silently for more. He shifted, his length at my entrance and he bit down on my shoulder as he entered me. I screamed as the delicious sensation of being filled up contrasted with the bite. "Yes, Fenris, yes!" I encouraged.

He slowly eased himself in and out of me while nipping at my body with his mouth. I moaned deeply. He was teasing me again. I locked my legs around his body in an attempt to influence the pace and depth and Fenris pulled himself out of me. He grabbed my red scarf and bound my hands to each other – forgoing the bedpost this time. He grabbed my legs and placed them over his shoulder so my knees were next to his face and grabbing my legs for support he eased himself back into me.

He went really deep and slow and lack of control I had over the situation excited me. Fenris looked really turned on as he watched himself enter me over and over and his pace quickened. My breathing quickened and Fenris freed a hand to start massaging the neglected area of my sex. I looped my tied hands around his neck and dug my nails into what I could reach of his back. It was more than I could handle and I climaxed violently as Fenris held me still onto his shaft as I writhed.

He pulled himself out of me and flipped me over onto my front. Grabbing my ass cheeks for balance he entered my wetness again. This time he set a furious and urgent pace. The pleasure he inflicted on me was exquisite torture to my tired and spent body. Each time he entered me, my sweet spot pushed into the mattress. He leaned forward and pulled at my hair with one hand, forcing my face which had been pushed into my pillow to the side. He ran his nails of one hand down my back and he kissed my cheek as he grabbed onto my hair. His hard pounding and the pressure on my sweet spot was too much and I found myself on the spiral towards a climax. As I came, spasms gripping his shaft violently, I found tears in my eyes. It was too much. I couldn't handle so much pleasure. Fenris immediately stopped.

"Hawke?" he asked, concerned. "Did I hurt you? Are you okay?" He untied me, turned me over and looked at me. His face was full of concern.

"I don't think you know what you're doing to me. All this… I can hardly bear it." I leaned it and kissed him. Placing a hand on his chest I gently pushed him back onto the bed and I straddled him. I was going to give him his release but on my terms now.

I was surprised when he let me take the lead. I guided him inside me and I gently and slowly rode him while enjoying the sweet sensation of my breasts against his skin as I kissed his neck. This time he relaxed and moaned as my hands explored his body. I tenderly kissed his mouth and as I built up my pace I noticed his breathing quickening. I guided him into a sitting position as I straddled him upright, riding his length with ecstatic urgency. My breasts were pushed up near his face and he caught one in his mouth. He put his hands on my waist and sighed. I could tell he was nearing release and as he emptied himself into me I joined him with a sweet and empowering orgasm.

I rode the waves of it, relishing that it had been on my terms. I held him close to me. We sat for a moment completely spent with me still straddling him and I looked into his eyes. "That was amazing Fenris," I said. Fenris looked at my face and I was alarmed to see he looked troubled. "Are you okay?" I asked.

"It is nothing," he assured me with a kiss. "I just wasn't expecting it to be like that." I climbed off of him and we lay in bed holding each other. Fenris was completely silent. As I was dropping off to sleep, I had an idea. I picked up the red scarf and handed it to him.

"Keep it," I said. "I wear it in my hair." Fenris took it and took a deep breath of its scent. I fell asleep as I watched him tie it around his wrist.

I awoke to find my bed empty and Fenris standing fully dressed by the fire. He looked crestfallen and I was about to have my heart broken.


	7. Chapter 7

It had been about an hour since Fenris had walked out, too troubled by his flashbacks to stay. I was just sitting on my bed, staring at the embers of what had been a roaring fire, not even bothering to dress. I clasped the pillow Fenris had put his head on to my chest, holding his smell near me.

I felt torn in two. I pitied myself and I pitied Fenris. I tried desperately to see how retrieving and losing lost memories had affected him and although I could empathise I could never truly feel his emotions and I had lived my whole life free. Hiding, but free. I pitied myself because our connection that night had felt so real. I thought I had found somebody to make me feel whole.

I picked up my robes from the floor, pausing as the letters I had taken from Alrik's body fell from the pocket. It felt like decades since I'd found these. I opened the sheaf and read on. Letters from Meredith and the Divine. Both of them had dismissed Alrik's "tranquil solution." Anders hadn't been paranoid. There was something proposed, even if it never got off the ground. In the morning I would head into Darktown and let Anders know.

I fell into a fitful sleep where my dreams alternated between Fenris tenderly kissing me and him reaching in and crushing my heart. I woke an hour before dawn, lit my fire, washed and slipped out of the house.

Anders was up early with a patient. He looked up as I came in, finished his healing and dismissed the young girl he was treating. He looked thoroughly miserable. "I feel dreadful, Hawke," he said. "I almost killed that girl. I've not slept all night." He ran his hand over his hand and his look of distress.

"I found Ser Alrik's papers," I said, handing over the letters.

"The Divine rejected the idea," Anders said in surprise. "Meredith rejected the idea! This was not what I expected. Thank you Hawke."

Anders happily tucked the letters away and started putting out milk to attract cats. He stood up and smiled at me. "You know, I've been meaning to thank you. Having someone like you making a name for themselves in Kirkwall – it's done a lot for mages." I wasn't sure anymore whether I believed all mages should be free and I furrowed my brow and ran my hands through my hair distractedly. Anders kept talking as I mulled over how badly free mages had hurt Fenris to the point he couldn't even have a relationship.

"You're doing it again, Hawke." My attention snapped back to Anders.

"I'm doing what?" I asked.

"Daydreaming. You have that cute, kissable expression," he pointed out. He moved towards me. "Oh, Hawke. I've tried so hard to hold back. You've seen what I can do – what I almost did to that girl. But I am still a man. For years I've lain awake aching for you." He tried to lean in and kiss me and I turned away.

"You have the wrong idea Anders," I said.

"It's Fenris, isn't it?" he said. He clenched his fists with a mix of frustration and hate.

"Fenris rejected me. He left. It's…not that." Being confronted with Anders' affections so soon after everything which had happened with Fenris was too much. I didn't even know if I should fear Anders or not, let alone whether it would be wise to seek comfort in his arms.

"Did the beast finally turn on you?" Anders said cruelly. I lost my temper and threw a fireball into a nearby wall.

"Don't call him that," I spat. "I'm sorry Anders. We just can't do this." I turned on my heel and left.

I made my way to the Hanged Man to see Isabela. It was always a safe bet to assume she was at the tavern, and sure enough she was resting her ample bosom on the bar as I entered and sipping ale. "Hello, Kitten," she smiled when she saw me but faltered as I got nearer. "You look like you've not slept in ages. You look like shit."

"I had a bad night's sleep," I said, taking a seat next to Isabela.

"OK, I'm sensing this problem is one of the sexy brooding elf variety." I nodded.

"I searched for him for hours last night. He had been waiting for me at mine and he was there when I turned up. We discussed what had happened and ended up in the bedroom." Isabela gave a low whistle and leaned in closer. "He was the best lover I've ever had Isabela, but when we were done, he left me. Said it brought back memories and he couldn't handle it."

Isabela pursed her lips and looked at me briefly. "Let's go get drunk. Not around here though. Let's hit some posh Hightown Taverns, your treat." I shrugged to say 'why not?' and Isabela slipped off her stool. "We can't go out looking like this though. Give me a second and I'll get some bits from my room and we'll go back to yours."

Back in my room, Isabela was rifling through my wardrobe, making appreciative sounds. "You've got some stunning silk and satin dresses in here, Hawke. Why do you always dress like a mage?"

"Because I **am** a mage," I replied. "And my mother bought me those dress. Borrow one if you like." Isabela turned and smiled at me.

"We are both wearing one."

A couple of hours later, after Isabela had attacked me with the contents of her make up case, I stepped out looking the noblewoman I was. Mother would have been so happy to see my beautifully styled knotted hair and the way my ivy green dress brought out the red of my hair. The dress skimmed my curves in a highly flattering way. These dresses were expensive for a reason. I finally looked how mother had been trying to dress me since I'd bought back the estate. Isabela and I looked and felt great.

We hit the best and most expensive taverns with beautiful noblemen flirting with us relentlessly. We drunk expensive wine and spirits. It felt good to be appreciated and not to feel obligated to do anything more. I realised it was a shallow way to heal my wounds but it helped numb the ache of losing Fenris. If only for a night.

By midnight all the Hightown bars had closed. Isabela and I leaned on one another as we weaved through the Hightown streets. "The night's young, Hawke. When the Hightown taverns close, the Lowtown ones are just warming up."

I can't exactly remember how we got into Lowtown unharmed. As we burst into the Hanged Man, I was aware of wolf whistling and cat calls and vaguely registered that they were for me as well as Isabela. I grinned smugly at myself and Isabela. She dragged me towards the very back of the tavern and we sat behind Varric's screen. I could vaguely hear his conversation. Norah eyed us apprehensively as she put some ales at our table and wandered off. We must have looked very drunk. I gulped the contents of my flagon, vaguely registering that it wasn't as nice as the Hightown wines, before noticing that Isabela was asleep.

"I felt like such a fool," I heard a low voice say through the screen.

"Hawke's tough stuff, Broody. She'll carry on just fine," I heard Varric say. Oh bugger, I thought. I'm overhearing Fenris and Varric. We had managed to slip in unseen by them both but I knew that I couldn't slip out and be so lucky. I stilled myself.

"You are probably right," Fenris admitted. "But I care about her. Leaving her hurt as much as staying. At least this way she can hate me and not have to deal with the issues in my life. I could take comfort in that."

"I think you should take comfort in another drink. You're slacking. I'm nearly drinking you under the table."

"You're right. A pity I've developed a taste for Aggregio. I find the drinks here lacking."

I waited until I had heard Fenris head for the bar and I shook Isabela awake. With a highly practised reflex, she sat up and knocked back her flagon and seemed to be wide awake again. "I need to leave," I whispered to her. "Fenris is behind that screen talking with Varric and I can hear every word."

"Oh, great!" Isabela said. "We can find out how he really feels." The idea horrified me.

"No," I insisted. "Please just help me slip out unseen."

"Hawke," said Isabela, her hands on her hips. "You look beautiful right now. And completely fuckable. Not as fuckable as you probably looked naked, which is an option I wouldn't complain about, but definitely fuckable. You should leave in plain view and flaunt it."

"Isabela, help me slip out discreetly and you can keep that dress. It's an 80 sovereign dress and it's _yours_ if we just leave now."

"Fine," Isabela said. "Just make sure I'm standing between you and Fenris as you leave."

I left some silver at the table and Isabela grabbed her drink as we stood up. Fortunately, Varric was penning one of his stories and didn't see us pass. As we approached the bar Fenris seemed engrossed in waiting for his drink and didn't turn to look at Isabela. I was actually relieved she didn't catch his eye.

Suddenly, with a loud clatter, Isabela's flagon dropped and spilled to the floor. "Bugger," she shouted far louder than was possibly needed, and she bent out of sight to get it, leaving me exposed to Fenris. He turned around and caught sight of me staring right at him while Isabela stooped on the floor making a show of finding her flagon. He looked very uneasy as well as shocked to see me.

"You did that on purpose," I hissed at her. She stood up and winked.

"Fenris!" she called. "Fancy seeing you here. We're not long back from Hightown. We should join you for a drink. Seated with Varric, are you?"

She seized my hand and dragged me back to the rear of the pub, sitting me next to Varric. She sat on the other side of the dwarf, forcing Fenris to take the last remaining seat next to me. Fenris placed four flagons on the table and I stared at the ale, taking tentative mouthfuls while Isabela tried to force the conversation.

"Varric, Fenris, doesn't Hawke look stunning in that finery?" Isabela gushed.

"She always looks beautiful," somebody replied. I looked at the walls which had started spinning.

"Isabela," I asked. "What's the saying? Beer then wine, that's fine…"

"Wine then beer, that's queer," somebody replied as the room starting fading out and people became indiscernible.

"Well then, I feel very queer. Shouldn't have touched the ale."

I fell backwards of my stool and I was caught in strong and steady arms. I couldn't see who it was but I thought it was Anders. "Oh Anders," I murmured. "What are you doing here? Are you trying to kiss me again? I told you this morning that I'm not interested." As I blacked out, I found myself vaguely wondering why Anders had silver hair.

The next sequence of events was a blur. I had the impression of somebody holding me close to them very tenderly as they walked with me in their arms. I thought somebody had laid me down onto soft sheets in front of a warm fire then gently removing my shoes. I'm fairly sure somebody stroked the hair from my cheek, kissed my forehead, and left my room with a sad backwards glance. But I was very drunk and who knows what I actually remember…


End file.
